Don't Cry for Me by Daniel Black

 The author, Dr. Daniel Black, said “This book is what most of us in many ways would hope that our parents would do one day. And that is to give us their hearts, share with us their story. This is the story of a man named Jacob Swinton who is on his death bed, and he is writing a series of letters. It’s the epistolary form. The letters are to his estranged gay son named Isaac.

The Urban Life Experience Book Discussion Series continued July 13th, 2024, where we discussed this amazing book. Before this meeting, the group listened to a YouTube video of an interview with Dr. Black that had been recorded earlier this year. This video can be found by searching All CT Reads 2024 Dr. Daniel Black on YouTube. 

Wendy started us out, saying, “I listened to it on audiobook, and Dr. Black read it. I really liked that because it brought it to life. The downside was places where I thought he captured something about his own experience or love, and I wish I had it on a page. Overall, I had seen two plays recently about the issues endured by Black Men. One of them was Death by a Thousand Cuts: A Requiem for Black and Brown Men and in London I saw For Black Boys Who Have Considered Suicide When the Hue Gets Too Heavy. I was struck by reading this because of the similarity of the themes. I felt so sorry that he never brought himself to the place of talking to Isaac. I thought the theme just felt tragic for these men. When I read reviews, everybody talked about the two men, but I was also struck by the experiences of Isaac’s mom, as a result of what she gave up what she wanted to do what happened to her in terms of her alcoholism...how hard she worked trying to be there for Isaac and to encourage Jacob.  

Nancy agreed, saying, “I too, found everything you said to be interesting. There’s a wonderful quote on p. 284 “Love doesn’t make us perfect; it makes us want to be.” I thought that was lovely. I found myself impatient with the man. There were all these things that he knew would be good for him to do, but he just wouldn’t bring himself to do them. I have sympathy for him, but I also have sympathy for the people who are hurt by him not doing these things. P. 149-151 where he talks about all the Black people who left the land who left the South to go North to the cities and he said that was a mistake, we never should have left the land. He said that if he’d stayed on the land, he would have been a better father. “'I would have known how to be a father.'” 

Marian disagreed with that idea, stating, “I don’t believe that. It’s easy to say, “If I had done this, I would have been better.” 

Nancy pointed out that, “His dedication is to Ernest J. Gaines. What I’ve read by Ernest J. Gaines is the book we read for this book club: A Lesson Before Dying and so I think that’s part of what he’s alluding to.” 

Marian said, “You should go back and read Gaines’ short stories. He writes so close to the land it’s like you’re there.” 

Shelara added that Ernest J. Gaines also wrote A Gathering of Old Men, and he wrote The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman.  

 

Barb told us, “I was really struck after watching the video of the comparison between how incredibly persuasive and charismatic he comes across in person and how the book, while very powerful, struck me as over-written sometimes. How likely was it that his son would visit their land once and come back and paint the perfect landscape of it, and that the father would take such a trajectory from traditional roles to reading all those books that he said transformed him. It just seems so intense to me to seem implausible. Like Nancy I was struck by the father’s inaction. That he was self-aware but stuck and unable to reach out to his son. I’m glad I read it. I found it very illuminating and provocative.” 

Wendy said, “Every review I read talked about wishing they had heard from Isaac.” 

Robin explained, “He did say that he was truly clear that he wanted to feature the father just telling his story without interruption.  I felt like Barb in that some of the father’s enlightenment that he received later in his life was implausible, but in the beginning in the prologue he talked about drafting this book after his own father had Alzheimer's and he couldn’t have these conversations with him.  The book felt very much like this was his dream. It’s what he wished his own father could have written to him. I didn't see Jacob as a realistic character, but I totally get it, in that what he wanted a parent to be able to say to him.” 

Bonnie: I had big problems with this book. I had zero sympathy for the father, for him not being able to accept. The other thing is that he made a big mistake describing The Feminist Mystique. bell hooks had a big problem with the white feminist movement. When he put in that stuff about Rachel loving The Feminine Mystique, why would he use that?  

Marian reminded Barbara that most of us are new to the writings of bell hooks, saying, “Okay, your criticisms are legitimate. I just think that The Feminine Mystique (by Betty Friedan, written in 1963) was for that time. It’s only lately that we’re learning about bell hooks. So, although those movements (first and second wave feminism) have since been heavily criticized, they were the movements for those times.” 

Meghan said, “I have been thinking a lot about Southern Gothic. Because of that strange connection that Isaac had towards the dead and these literal and figurative ghosts of his father’s past, I felt like it was a book about Jacob’s refusal to acknowledge these connections to look at where he came from and see the problems and atrocities from his own community. I agree, I don’t think going back would have made him a better father. And I was really frustrated with the mother, but I also appreciated this about her. She didn’t understand that her son was gay, but she’d been defending him as being “different” the whole time. I appreciated Jacob’s transformation over time, but it’s lost in that he’s just writing it down. He’s not acting on anything He's not really being accountable for any of this. He’s just putting words on a piece of paper. He’s really doing it for himself. Although, I don’t necessarily hate him for it.” 

Ann offered that she “found it very profound and very accurate in how it was showing a person change over time. I appreciated that the father was presented in such an ambivalent way. The story is very sophisticated and complex. The reality is we all struggle in how we identify. What I liked was that he wasn’t oversimplified. Also, I appreciated the descriptions of the power of roles, and how harmful they are.  

Laura added that she loved this book and noted that Marian asked him in the interview if he considered writing it as a novel form rather than an epistolatory form. And he said no because he wanted Jacob to be able to speak uninterrupted and get the whole story out. One of the things I loved was some of the images, some of the scenes from their lives, especially from Jacob’ s life because I was curious as to how he got to be this way. Some of the images like the death of the puppy and his crying, and his grandfather said, ‘Don’t ever cry again, boys don’t do that. In the last line of that part of the letter, Jacob said, ‘I don’t think I ever loved anything as much (as that puppy) again. These aren’t just excuses but just experiences that people have that make them who they are. There were these experiences and images that seemed so deeply installed, for instance, Jacob watching his brother bathe. There were three short things that caught me, I don’t know if it’s from growing up in the South or just having country relatives 1. Arthur (the personification of arthritis) 2. honeysuckle, and 3. using a broom straw to see if a cake is done.  

Dr. Daniel Black 

Judy shared that she found the book to be a real page-turner. The things he wrote weren’t about just Black men, but about men. As to the question of whether they should have gone back to the land, Isaac would not have fit in. “I liked the relationship between Jacob and Rachel after they were divorced. They still cared for each other. I thought too that it was unlikely that someone so anti-reading could become someone so committed to reading.” 

Shelara followed up by saying she thought it was a beautiful novel. “I was a little sad. I think Jacob was sincere in his regret. I think he was depressed and reading a book opened a door for him to at least imagine a different way of thinking and I think the novel is clear that he doesn’t get there all the way. I think (his beginning to become a reader) is believable. I think that when you first learn to read, the written word is so powerful that you just inhale, and if you keep reading, you get better at it. To me, it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. The fact that the book he started with, (after The Feminine Mystique,) was The Autobiography of Malcolm X, would totally entice him to read more. In his interviews, Dr. Black has said that men who go to prison begin to read. He mentioned Manchild in the Promised Land. The Color Purple is also featured in the book. I think that Rachel was probably suffering from post-partum depression that had never been treated. I was raised in a household that didn’t have those strict gender roles, and yet, like everyone else, even I’m still infected with the signs of racism and misogyny. Because of what Jacob thought of manhood, what he thought of God, and how he thought his wife should be and how his son should be, kept him unhappy. Part of our liberation is learning that we don’t have to live under the construct.” 

 

Janice gave us her point of view: “I really loved the book. I listened to it read by Dr. Black and that gave it animation. He did various voices. The only thing that really troubles me was that Rachel was so shocked to find out her son was gay. I think the story was cathartic for the author. Should he have gone back Down South? Absolutely not! I think he would have been worse. Remember, Jacob himself didn’t have a father. The only parenting he received was from his grandfather.” 

Wendy apparently still wrestling with how Jacob became such an avid reader, offered, “He didn’t come easily to reading. He only read The Feminine Mystique because of how he perceived it was changing Rachel.” 

Judy added that she didn’t think his reading was implausible, but his being able to write those letters could be implausible. I was also struck by the fact that he never abandoned his family, even after the divorce. He always paid the mortgage, and he paid for Isaac’s education.” 

Robin, referring back to the interview, said, “In the video, he really wanted to stress gender and sexuality. I also want to comment on this conversation we’re having about reverse migration. I’ve always been struck by Charles Blow’s book, The Devil You Know, in which he advocated for Black people to move back Down South.  

Maria commented, going back to the implausibility of him becoming such a great reader and articulate letter-writer, said, “I had a problem with the dissonance in the very beginning that a man with so little education could express himself so eloquently. But, as time went on and he read more books, it made a lot of sense to me. It was very very sad. It was beautiful and it was very sad. This man dies alone. Although he was curious about his son’s career, he never let himself pursue that curiosity. He believed his son was successful and he believed his son had a happy life. At least that is what he hoped, but he never got out of his own way to try to find out.”